Introduction

Welcome the Paul Keating Insults Page:

Paul KeatingPaul Keating

G'day scumbags... thanks for dropping by. This page was created in 1995 by a couple students from the Computing and Information Technology Faculty at the University of Western Sydney, Nepean.

It was done just for a bit of fun, but became more popular than we'd anticipated. Yes - the quotes on this site really were uttered by Paul Keating.

This page is not affiliatted with any political party, nor is this site intended as support for or against either of the parties... it's just a collection of comments from Paul Keating which the authors considered somewhat amusing. All quotes contained within these archives are genuine.

If you've read down this far, you've done better than most! I hope you enjoy your stay and would appreciate hearing any thoughts/comments you have regarding this site. Anyway, that's the boring stuff out of the way, the rest of the site is pure Paul.

The Scumbag Archive

On Prime Minister (formerly Opposition Leader), John Howard:

John HowardJohn Howard

"The little desiccated coconut is under pressure and he is attacking anything he can get his hands on"

"For Mr Howard to get to the high moral ground, he would first need to climb out of the volcanic hole he had dug for himself over the last decade. It is like one of those diamond mine holes in South Africa. They are about a mile underground. He would have to come a mile up to get to even equilibrium let alone have any contest in morality with Kevin Rudd."

"What we have got is a dead carcass, swinging in the breeze, but nobody will cut it down to replace him."

"He's wound up like a thousand day clock..."

"...the brain-damaged Leader of the Opposition..."

(Of his 1986 leadership) "From this day onwards, Howard will wear his leadership like a crown of thorns, and in the parliament I'll do everything to crucify him."

"He is the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague."

"But I will never get to the stage of wanting to lead the nation standing in front of the mirror each morning clipping the eyebrows here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the kids: It's like 'Spot the eyebrows'."

"I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot..."

"He has more hide than a team of elephants."

"I do not want to hear any mealymouthed talk from the Member for Benelong."

"The principle saboteur, the man with the cheap fistful of dollars."

"Come in sucker."

During Great Debate '96: "You're so rude!"

On Federal Treasurer, Peter Costello:

"The thing about poor old Costello is he is all tip and no iceberg. He can throw a punch across the parliament but the bloke he should be throwing a punch to is Howard, but of course he doesn't have the ticker for it."

"He has now been treasurer for 11 years. The old coconut is still there araldited to the seat. The treasurer works on the smart quips but when it comes to staring down the prime minister in his office he always leaves disappointed. He never gets the sword out."

On former Labor Prime Minister, Bob Hawke:

"Now listen mate," [to John Browne, Minister of Sport, who was proposing a 110 per cent tax deduction for contributions to a Sports Foundation] "you're not getting 110 per cent. You can forget it. This is a fucking Boulevard Hotel special, this is. The trouble is we are dealing with a sports junkie here [gesturing towards Bob Hawke]. I go out for a piss and they pull this one on me. Well that's the last time I leave you two alone. From now on, I'm sticking to you two like shit to a blanket."

"Old Jellyback."

"Old Silver."

On Wilson "Iron Bar" Tuckey (Liberal politician):

"...You stupid foul-mouthed grub."

"Shut up! Sit down and shut up, you pig!"

"You boxhead you wouldn't know. You are flat out counting past ten."

On Former Leader of the Opposition, John Hewson:

"(His performance) is like being flogged with a warm lettuce."

"He always turns around when I drop one on him. He can't psychologically handle it."

"I was implying that the Honorable Member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock - alive, but looking dead."

"Yesterday, on a personal matter against me, we had old dozy over there, the Honourable Member for Wentworth."

"I have a psychological hold over Hewson...He's like a stone statue in the cemetery."

"I'm not going to be fairy flossed away as my opposite number, John Hewson, is prepared to be fairy flossed away by some spaced out, vacous ad agency."

"I'd put him in the same class as the rest of them: mediocrity."

"This is the sort of little-boy, stamp your foot stuff which comes from a financial yuppie when you shoe him into parliament."

"Hewson's only made the grade on paid advertisements. He's put me under no pressure at all. The only one who's put us under pressure on any issue is Peacock. He's an old cynic and he goes for the issues. Hewson's on television a lot but he hasn't put me under any pressure."

On former Liberal Party Leader and Shadow Treasurer, Andrew Peacock:

"...what we have here is an intellectual rust bucket."

"He, as Foreign Minister, was swanning around the United States of America with Shirley MacLaine or trying to crash one of Ted Kennedy's parties...and he was trying to play statesman...while he swanned around, and then he made a cowardly attack upon the former Prime Minister before slinking back into his cabinet."

"...if this gutless spiv, and I refer to him as a gutless spiv..."

"...the Leader of the Opposition's inane stupidities."

"He could not rise above his own opportunism or his incapacity to lead."

"I suppose tha the Honourable Gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness."

"He represents nothing and nobody."

"You've been in the dye pot again, Andrew."

"The Leader of the Opposition is more to be pitied than despised, the poor old thing."

"The Liberal Party ought to put him down like a faithful dog because he is of no use to it and of no use to the nation."

"We're not interested in the views of painted, perfumed gigolos."

"It is the first time the Honourable Gentleman has got out from under the sunlamp."

"Bib and Bub. The Leader of the Opposition and his Deputy."

"...a fop such as the present Leader of the Opposition."

On Former Shadow Treasurer, Jim Carlton:

Jim Carlton: "Madame Speaker I ask that the offensive term used by the Treasurer be withdrawn."
Keating: "I withdraw it. I wouldn't hurt his feelings for quids. The fact is that the farmer..."
Allen Rocher: "On a point of order Madame Speaker; Can you please inform the house whether the Treasurer withdrew his comment?"
Keating: "Of course I did. I wouldn't offend Old Rosie over there."

"I was nearly chloroformed by the performance of the Honorable Member for Mackellar. It nearly put me right out for the afternoon."

On Former Labor Prime Minister, Gough Whitlam:

"In terms of the Labor agenda this government has left every other Labor government bare arsed. No other government even gets within cooee of it. We have a cabinet which has a degree of economic sophistication which puts the Whitlam government into the cavemen class in economic terms."

In conversation with Whitlam:
Whitlam: "That was a good speech. You should go back comrade, and get yourself an honours degree."
Keating: "What for? Then I'd be like you."

On Former National Party Leader, Ian Sinclair:

"...this piece of vermin, the leader of the National Party."

"What we have as a leader of the National Party is a political carcass with a coat and tie on."

On Liberal, Ken Aldred:

"... the brain-damaged Honorable Member for Bruce made his first parliamentary contribution since being elected, by calling a quorum to silence me for three minutes."

God Save the Liberals

"Have a look at all the bag men in the Liberal Party, for God's sake. If you applied the sanitary test to those guys, I mean no minister would do any business in this country."

"The Leader of the Opposition hurls all sorts of abuse at me, and all through question time those pansies over there want retractions of the things we've said about them. They are a bunch of nobodies going nowhere."

"Mr Speaker can I have some protection from the clowns on the front bench ?"

"...for the dullard on the front bench opposite"

"Mr Deputy Speaker, am I to be continually abused by the Honorable Member for Mitchell and the drone beside him, the Honorable Member for Braddon ?"

"Where you all come aguster is, over here we think we're born to rule you. And let me tell you this, it's been ingrained in me from childhood, I think my mission in life is to run you."

"You were heard in silence, so some of you SCUMBAGS on the front bench should wait a minute until you hear the responses from me."

"What really amuses me and almost makes me spew..."

"They have no ideas, no integrity and no ability."

"Damn them for being the cheats they are."

"You are frauds."

"...votes for coalition members who have always been cheats, cheats, cheats and will always be cheats, cheats, cheats and will always defend cheats, cheats, cheats."

"Honorable Members opposite are a joke."

"They are irrelevant, useless and immoral."

"...they insist on being mugs, Mr Speaker, absolute mugs."

"I'm not running a seminar for dullards on the other side."

"Those opposite could not operate a tart shop"

"These intellectual hoboes"

"This rabble opposite"

"...for the benefit of the blockheads opposite"

"If the dummies opposite will just shut up"

"Shut up for a moment. If you ask questions and want to hear answers, shut up."

"How thick these people are"

"These dummies and dimwits"

"Talk about desperadoes"

"These are the absolute gutter tactics of a mindless, useless, idealistic, unprincipled Opposition."

"The Opposition is such a motley, dishonest crew"

"...the cowboys on this front bench"

"It is just a slight of hand by a dingy party"

"The Opposition crowd could not raffle a chook in a pub"

"We will be rejecting the opportunist claptrap coming from the Opposition."

"Honorable Members opposite squeal like stuck pigs"

"...small time punk stuff coming from a punk Opposition."

"The animals on the other side"

Miscellaneous Insults

On the National Party:

"...their existense is putrid. It is absolutely putrid."

"...the cowards of the National Party, the hillbillies of the National Party."

"...that vile constituency, the National Party, did nothing else but get its hands on the public purse."

Laurie OakesLaurie Oakes

On the Press:

"...Fucking animals."

"Laurie Oakes [is] a cane toad."

"Anyone who is impressed with himself because he has made Page One is sort of a shingle short."

"You (Richard Carleton) had an important place in Australian society on the ABC and you gave it up to be a pop star...with a big cheque...and now you're on to this sort of stuff. That shows what a 24 carat pissant you are, Richard, that's for sure"

In conversation with a journalist:

Reporter: You don't talk to ordinary people!
Keating: "Who says I don't ? Who says I don't ? I mean I see as many people as perhaps anyone in public life could..."
Reporter: How long is it since you've been to Fyshwick Markets ?
Keating: "Not long, not long. In fact if you get down to woollies at Manuka on Saturday I'd probably run over you with a trolley as I did a journo recently."

On the Queen:

"I like the Queen... and I think she liked me"

On Graham Richardson:

"I like little Richo... but I don't want him anywhere near Kim Beazley"

On Independant, Steele Hall:

"The Honorable Member has been in so many parties he is a complete political harlot."

On NSW Liberal, Rosemary Foot:

"I will be ripping her into shreds...she can go and shoot her big mouth off in the Supreme Court. We'll see how she goes there."

On Former Labour politician, Jim McClelland (over the phone):

"That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a f***ing dictionary when you were about 15 doesn't give you the right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest of us."

On Mike Codd:

"Codd will be lucky to get a job cleaning shithouses if I ever become Prime Minister."

On Fund Managers:

"...these donkeys..."

"It must get right up their nose, quaffing down the red wine at these fashionable eateries in Bent Street and Collins Street, with the Prime Minister calling them donkeys - but donkeys they are."

On NSW Minister for Housing, Frank Walker:

"I'm always being attacked by delegate Walker. He's been attacking me ever since I used to touch him up in the [ALP] Youth Council 20 years ago."

To a Uni student protesting about fees:

"Go and get a job!"